DRUMMER COLUMN:
SATIRE, ASTROLOGIC ©Jack Fritscher. See Permissions, Reprints, Quotations, Footnotes |
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AstrologicARIES
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Written December 1977, and published in Drummer 21, March 1978, this column I wrote as stand-up satire of astrology’s popularity in the 60’s and 70’s when one of the actual “opening lines” was, “What’s your sign?” A. Jay knocked out an original drawing of a Pan as Man-Goat. My content took swipes of one-liner humor at hot topics, trends, and gossip from Eldridge Cleaver’s “invention” of codpiece pants to Anita Bryant’s hate campaign to Malcolm Boyd’s new take on gay spirituality. I also invoke direct mention of Fred Halsted who was one of the new columnists in Drummer 21, because I liked his S&M films, and thought he was demon-hot, and convenient when I was in L. A. Halsted directly states in his column that Drummer is in a direct line of descent from Bob Mizer’s AMG Physique Pictorial. He meant Drummer’s heritage culturally, not actually. In Los Angeles, Mizer’s was a small-format “photo ’zine” with black-and-white pictures and a political message crusading against censorship. In San Francisco, Drummer was a large format magazine with a lot of writing as ballast to the pictures, with covers in color, and with hardly more message than masculine entertainment. JF, 21 April 2002 ©2002, 2003 Jack Fritscher |
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AstrologicARIES
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ARIES S: (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): In spring a young man’s love turns fancy. Try topping a trick wearing Adidas and a Lacoste. Yeah, just try it. (But don’t mess his hair.) ARIES M: This spring Uranus should be in conjunction with whatever fits. (And you will have fits.) TAURUS S: (Apr. 20 - May 20): Put rocks in your M’s red ruby boots. GEMINI S: (May 21 - June 20): Both your heads, Gem, are so fucking vain that you sleep on Mylar sheets. Get control of your selves. CANCER S: (June 21 - July 21): Do your damndest to discover how to get into the most secret of macho leather clubs. Clue: it’s based in SFO. Drummer knows all, but can tell nothing. LEO S: (July 22 - Aug. 21): Your rising sign indicates you should arrange a prison tour of a local juvenile facility. Dress up like a good citizen. Let your sign rise further. VIRGO S: (Aug. 22 - Sept 22): Cater to your domesticity. For a classic asshole-puckering experience, feed your slave alum brownies. LIBRA S: (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Keep your balance. Shatter your M’s cliches about what a one-sided Top you are. String yourself up. Work yourself over. Make him watch. Tell him to eat his heart out. SCORPIO S: (Oct 23 - Nov. 21): Be meaner. Take your scumbag M to a Punk Rock concert. Safety-pin him into position in the front row facing the audience. SAGITTARIUS S: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Host a “Masochist Luau.” Invite several other Tops to bring their Bottoms. CAPRICORN S: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Watch your diet. Get some quiet. Get ready to try it. On the next full moon, something you said you’d never do, you will in fact eat. AQUARIUS S: (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): Call Born-Again and Star-Crossed Eldridge Cleaver (collect) in L.A. where he is marketing “Cleavers,” the pants with the codpiece. Tell clever Cleaver that leather men have been wearing this style for years. Trust your lucky stars, but still don’t identify yourself. PISCES S: (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Call Anita Bryant (collect). Tell her about the new ANITA BRYANT MEMORIAL MICROWAVE OVEN that seats 15. Remind the lady that, as usual, it’s women and children first. ©1977, 2003 Jack Fritscher |
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